July 29th 2021
Hello beautiful beings it is a pleasure to be back here with you all again.
With so many changes happening all around us it has been a lot for me to keep up on, but still here I reside! So allow me to address the large elephant in the room, my absence all throughout 2020 (at least through my blog posts.)
I will take you on a brief journey with me on what my past year of my life. For starters, I was working at a cafe/healing arts for over a year before the virus situation happened. And in March 2020 I had just bought airplane tickets to fly to Nashville for an event I was planning on going to that was basically a large party with a bunch of other amazing coaches in a variety of other fields. But then within a week of purchasing this ticket (and having a hard time purchasing it because the universe was clearly trying to tell me something that I blatantly ignored), everything was cancelled.
The big event was cancelled, restaurants, concerts, you know the deal, everything was starting to close. And that was the moment I realized that shit had indeed hit the fan. It was quite an incredible moment for me because I had experienced a large array of emotions in a very short amount of time. There were people from Washington and California who passed through the town I worked in, and both of which were in the shop the same day I got this news and they were coughing (and all the other things). So I began to get fearful because every part of me knew that this had to be a bioweapon right off the bat and I was concerned with the long term repercussions of this. Which is how I learned being in the fear state is never beneficial because literally 3 days later I came down with intense C19 symptoms and couldn’t breathe. I lowered my immune system by letting the fear in, and I got to learn that lesson the hard way. I even went to the Urgent Care to get the test done so I could know for sure and alert people around me if it was true, but when they told me it was going to be $350 just to get looked at (let alone even be approved for the test that I too would have to pay for at the time) I balked and left. I was hardly paid well enough at the time to pay for all my bills let alone a $350 to only potentially get tested (I was in the middle of learning a big lesson in honoring my worth in my work and skills). So I never did get that test, but I am 95% sure that that was exactly what I had. Luckily it only really lasted for a day I was down and out, but I did have breathing issues for a few months afterwards which have since improved.
Despite the fear that had initially engulfed me something else had simultaneously occured. I felt myself COME ALIVE. Never in my life had I ever felt so activated and excited for something that went against feeling ANY of those things. But the reason being was because when I realized that the whole WORLD was in this together… that’s when everything within me knew that it was finally time. Finally time for the thing I know that so many of us were born here to experience, the great shift of humanity. It was almost like we were either sleeping or preparing for this before this had occurred. But once I saw the grandness of this situation, everything within me knew that it was on and I immediately felt within all of myself the future potentials that laid ahead. Partially because I had only been studying the playbook for these “doomsday” events for the past 9 years, but also because I felt the significance deep in my bones.
So I decided to jump FULL SPEED into speaking on facebook lives about the POSITIVES of what was happening and how there is so much more to this than meets the eye. I felt very inspired and passionate about being on the forefront of holding down the light amidst the chaos (almost as if I was born for this or something.) And everything was going great until magic mushrooms magically floated into my life.
My partner James ended up receiving some and offered some to me. Now this was a much bigger deal to me than the average person, as after I had healed my Panic Disorder I had an intense fear of losing control of my consciousness again. Basically anything that altered my ability to perceive clearly automatically triggered a very intense panic attack just like in the good ole days. Then on the flip side of this I deeply desired to do it and always had, but also felt like I couldn’t because of my issue. And it was a repeated wound for me that when loved ones around me would partake in mushrooms and I wouldn’t (because of this deep rooted fear), that I would feel extremely excluded and left out. I felt as though I could no longer relate to them on the same level because they had experienced something so magical that couldn’t be put into words and that I was missing out on a profound level. This ultimately put me into a depression almost every time and event like this would occur. But then with my partner now put in this situation it hit me harder than ever before because I was faced with the reality that we might drift apart if I didn’t partake because we would not relate to each other anymore in the same way. While I now recognize that this is partially exgaterated, I also acknowledge that there was some truth to it. So what ended up happening is that he did end up taking it and I had to mentally torture myself for over a month before I could even attempt to microdose.
I spent a month hardly eating or sleeping because my anxiety was so through the roof with this important decision that I didn’t know what to do with myself. I recognize that this sounds silly, but it was very much a living hell of a situation for myself with the trauma I had endured from living in a state of basically constant panic attacks. But because I trust the universe and know that I wouldn’t be put in this situation unless it was meant to be for me once and for all I decided to learn the meaning of the word surrender at the deepest levels. So once I had finally tortured myself with scream crying for hours over how torn I was inside, I finally took the microdose. There was intense rain outside while I screamed and cried, then once I came to a decision that I was ready to surrender despite, a hole in the clouds opened up and a beam of light shined directly through the window onto me. James and I took a moment to feel the profundity of that moment before we then moved forward to go on an adventure to our favorite nature park while I was microdosing. I suddenly started to get very, very hot once we got there and I started to panic. As I started to vocalize the kind of inner torture I was going through the clouds came back in again and a gentle cool rain started to rain down from above. The intense heat I was feeling started to immediately dissipate and once again James and I were stunned at the amount of support I was receiving. Then once I started to feel cold the rain stopped and the sun came out once again, it was magic.
Perhaps that was the most magical thing of all was that before, during and after this event there were a LARGE amount of signs for me to do this (most of which I covered on an episode of my podcast). Like the story I briefly shared with the microdose being one, there was also an experience before I had even taken the micro that I went to the nature park and prayed to mother nature to please give me the experience of a “trip” without actually taking any substance so I could have an idea of what I was going to experience. Then I went about my day after that without giving it much thought again. Then while I was hanging out at the park with my mother later I started to have all the symptoms of the “come up” suddenly out of the blue. I started talking a lot more and faster, my heart rate increased, my anxiety started to climb along with it, and then as I sat up (I was laying down in the grass) I felt completely intoxicated. So much so it had me questioning if I could even drive home, it was the most bizarre experience of my life. I’m aware how insane this sounds, but it was very much the experience that occured without any other substances involved (not even caffeine). Gaia had given me the gift of the preview, which I came to experience later it being very close to the true experience of the “come up”.
Then came the day of the “big” event. I was beyond stressed and did the whole “scream, cry for hours” thing again beforehand. Which only stressed me out more because all I’ve ever heard is about “it’s all about mindset, if you don’t do it with the right mindset than it will be a bad trip.” Which I’m sure you could imagine had made things much more difficult than they needed to be. So I not only had to accept that I wasn’t sure what was going to happen to me with this experience, but also that I could potentially have an awful experience because of how horrific my mindset was going into it. Spoiler alert: All that fear and anxiety was immediately transmuted during the experience. So after scream crying for those first few hours I had finally come to a place of empty from exhaustion of wearing myself out. And while James went to the bathroom I intuitively pulled out the amount that felt correct for me and then took it.
When James came back into the room he could hardly comprehend what had just happened within the meer few minutes he was away. I said, “I don’t know, suddenly this wave of calm just washed over me and I knew it was time.” I definitely felt that I had a push energetically that had supported to make that final move. And I had prepared cold towels in advance (so I could avoid the whole panic attack from being too hot thing), I started to play Hozier on repeat, and danced my “come up” away until I had to lay down (because it HIT ME.) As someone who is already trained in channeling I was most interested in exploring the energetics of magic mushrooms to see if what everyone says about them is true or not. And I can confirm, spoiler alert again, everyone was most definitely correct about them in all the best ways. I felt as though I was rising in consciousness at warp speed, like my awareness was in an energetic elevator and was going up FAST. It made my heart race and feel like I needed to hold on for my life. I went from a 1 (being normal) to a 7 in half an hour. Then from a 7 to a 9 50 minutes minutes in. When I was at a 9, I had to lie down and brace myself. Then it went from 9 to 11. Oh by the way, did I mention that I had accidentally taken a HERO’s dose? Because that was what had happened. Since I am so sensitive to substances I needed far less than the average person to get to the same place and I wasn’t aware of the extent of that fact beforehand (so apparently my intuition thought that was what was best.)
I suddenly felt more connected than I ever had before, though similar to when I channel normally which was a fun comparison. Instead of needing to make an effort to connect I just was. And instead of my typical guides coming through it definitely felt like the spirit of Gaia: strong, present, and loving. The moment I felt anxiety sneaking in and I tried to focus on something else instead I was repeatedly pulled back to focusing on the anxiety. If I didn’t let myself dive into this illusion of anxiety I was experiencing that was when I felt a bad trip would ensue, I immediately understood right then in that moment that THAT was how bad trips were truly born. By not leaning into the fear and you trying to divert attention elsewhere, negates the healing that the mushroom medicine is doing for you. Therefore when one does this, this is when the “bad” trip begins, because when you take the medicine you do so consenting to this kind of healing work whether you’re aware of that consent form or not. But because my intention was to heal and learn how to surrender, I had already committed thus far so I leaned into my anxiety I was experiencing and Gaia had my back.
The moment I leaned into everything that was presenting itself to me on mushrooms was the moment guidance came through and showed me how to alchemize and transform all fear into joy, laughter, and celebration. It was one of the most intense experiences of my life and probably will remain so for the rest of my existence in this incarnation. Everytime I would speak out loud to James what emotions I was going through I would then break out into uncontrollable laughter, feeling the alchemizing of the anxiety into joy. This happened multiple times for multiple hours. With every single fear that came up and into mind, it was then immediately transformed into joy and love. Perhaps one of the most profound experiences of this was when I suddenly had a fear that I might not be breathing deep enough or be aware that I wasn’t breathing enough. Gaia then came through and cleared something within me (healing me from the C19 I can only guess) and I was suddenly guided into taking the deepest breaths of my life. I was able to breathe deeper than I have ever had before. Then I was showed how important using this type of breath was and how it is connected with my anxiety. And as long as I remembered this breathwork, I could transform any fear outside of this trip with the same ease. It was incredible because weeks after this experience, whenever I felt any kind of anxiety rise up I instinctually then started doing the breathwork and clearing it involuntarily… my mind was blown. Anyways going back into it, I also felt something clearing the anxiety in my chest at one point. And they asked, “are you sure you want to remove it?” To which I responded with a yes, and then I felt it completely removed. Which you would think would be a positive thing, but because apparently it was so large it left me feeling empty and my psyche unable to comprehend what to do without it there afterwards (it took me months to integrate this fully.)
Then towards the end I saw my soul as a bright pink light, and everything that I thought was “me” was contained in this light. Then my final task I had to face was in letting go of everything that I was holding onto as my definition of me. Completely surrendering all perceived control over who I was as a person. This was the most difficult task of all (and that was why it was saved for last). I felt myself starting to try and divert myself away from it out of fear, which I quickly felt the “bad trip vibes” start to come on when I did this. So I sucked it up and leaned in once again, surrendering completely. So they had me lean into this light (closed eye visuals by the way) and they had me watch we release everything that wasn’t truly “me”. I watched all of this lifetime of preconceived notions fly out of the pink light and fly past me. I could feel internally a weight lifting off of me with all of these things being released. Stories that I told myself that were long past any benefit, things people told me, things I told myself, beliefs that held me back, everything. All was released. Then once this was complete She asked me to look back again and see what was still left of “me” now that I’ve done this and notice what I saw. When I did this I still felt very much myself and my energy. I also felt that the things I genuinely liked and enjoyed were all still present. Turned out that I hadn’t really lost anything at all, just the junk I had been carrying around thinking that it was doing me a favor. This was life changing to say the least, as after this experience I felt like a completely new person and wasn’t sure how to integrate all of the experience. I then felt the intuitive hint that the peak was getting ready to decline. I felt Gaia ask me if I was ready to come down now. I told Her that I still had a few more questions to ask as I was coming down and she said that was fine.
So I asked Her about my life’s purpose. Which I then erupted into laughter again with the realization that it is to speak love, to share it FAR and WIDE. That this was a gift I have and now it was activated. I was shown how when I share from the heart there are other energetic’s going on, that goes beyond the words, that heals and activates people.
Which is honestly why my blog posts completely fell off the map, because that’s when my podcast became my focus and speaking became my passion. Writing felt like not only a longer, more arduous process, but also less potent than when I speak.
I was also shown how multiple lifetimes I was a speaker of truth and through those multiple lifetimes I was silenced in a large array of ways. But the difference was that in this lifetime nothing would hold me back anymore. That this time it is time to share far and wide and that I would have lots of support in doing so. No more persecution and death. That this was why this is my purpose in this lifetime, I had been waiting eons to do so. I cried with this realization, and honestly feel like crying while I type this now over a year after the fact, that’s how powerful this information was/still is.
I then was informed by Her that I was now initiated to offering these medicinal sessions to others and that this was also apart of my purpose as a healer. That this would be one of my tools in the future I would have to offer to others and that I was approved by Gaia to hold this sacred space for them. When I said to Her, “Why me? This is my first real experience, I don’t know enough to do that.” She informed me that I didn’t need a “paper” to prove that I had what it took to do such a thing, that She herself gave her blessing and that I was indeed good enough for the job. The reason why I was chosen was because with how much anxiety, fear, and intensity I had experienced beforehand (and still went through with it), that I had proven myself worthy I walking others through the experience. That because my fear of the experience was so intense, that therefore could help support anyone in their fear moving forward after I had conquered my own. I was so deeply honored by this information and I am still grateful to this day. After a few more important questions were asked I then felt myself begin to come down more fully.
This actually freaked me out more than the come up because I had a very real fear of:
- How was I going to integrate everything that I just experienced (newsflash, you can’t).
- And who the fuck was I going to be now that I had been reborn and let go of everything that was no longer serving me (which apparently was A LOT.)
It was an intense ride coming down, because I could feel the connection dissipating as I descended through the consciousness elevator. It was sad to go. Then once I was more present in my body I was starving for some food because 6 hours had passed since the start of it. I ended up going to a local restaurant, and when they called my name I didn’t recognize it was even me, that’s how new I felt. After that experience I suddenly could talk louder and more confidently, along with some new energetic tools that came online. I learned how to:
- Truly surrender.
- Breathe through all anxiety and fear.
- Release all illusions attached to “self”.
- Embrace my true purpose.
- Speak my truth.
- Know my worth and power.
- Be.
Learning how to be was perhaps the most poignant of all for the year. As I had mastered this by the end of my hero’s journey. But meanwhile the whole world was also learning this on a massive scale at the same time. I can now say that I truly do understand how to be and surrender. Is it always easy? No. BUT, I know what needs to be done on the deeper layers now to truly embrace it.
This then lead to me really working hard on my coaching business and my podcast. But the final lesson of the year still had to occur:
To stop forcing things and be patient (+ surrender part 2).
I was trying too hard to get my business off the ground. I was so focused on the business and not as much the service itself that it was doomed to fail. I learned hard and fast that I had to, once again, take my hands of the wheel, foot off the gas, and surrender to being of service (not just making a living doing what I love.) Because while it is important to have healthy boundaries and believe in achieving your dreams of being supported by your life’s work, it is more important to focus on being of service in all ways at all times without any expectation. That’s the real secret to life folks. The more you focus on being in service to humanity moment to moment without expectation of what you get in return… that’s ACTUALLY when your dream start to come true. Quite the beautiful process really. But that was yet another MASSIVE lesson I had to learn (once and for all) last year.
So I promise, no more cheesy sales pushes for programs, none of that. Nothing but true purpose from the heart with nothing more in mind that your progress and growth as a soul and as a human. I might share new things I’m working on, but the intention behind it will be different (and I’m sure that you will feel it too.) You see, so many of us have been sucked into the illusion of the money system that it has made most people focus on it a little too much (even if their intentions at their core are good.) And I’m quite frankly tired of hearing so called spiritual gurus/pleasure coaches tell us that we just need to masterbate to the feeling of being supremely rich to abuse our orgasm for material purposes (sorry not sorry, that’s a misuse of our spiritual power for material things intentionally set up to manipulate our connection in the first place.) Now I know this will probably upset a lot of people and that’s okay, I get it, because I was brainwashed into that for a hot minute as well. But once I connected to what is real, that’s when my true “results” came through (you know, when my heart was in the right place even more and all that jazz.) So if you’re feeling triggered by the above statement I just want to ask how successful has this made you? Because if it’s crickets in your business than it probably has something to do with this.
Anywho, after I finally backed the hell off my business my father spontaneously passed away from a very intense heart attack at the end of August. I had been playing phone tag with him all day, and an hour after I had missed his call he passed away. I saw he called, but when I heard his voicemail he said he was going outside and wouldn’t have his phone for awhile so I figured I would wait a bit before I called him back because he wouldn’t have his phone. Little did I know that would be the last chance that I would ever have to talk to him. It’s still hard for me to write this as I can’t believe that it will be a year since his passing next month. It still doesn’t feel real to me and it has made my reality honestly feel very strange. I’m sad that we didn’t get to talk and I didn’t get to show him all the amazing dispensaries for marijuana here in Oregon, but alas god has plans that I can’t overwrite unfortunately.
So with this event I spiraled into the darkest depression of my life, right up there with the first year of when I had panic disorder. I completely disconnected with every aspect of my life and dropped everything to drive across the country to Florida during the middle of the pandemic. Once I got to Florida everything was strange and awful. The week I got there I had to hold his ashes and pour them into the sea then go to his celebration of life. I didn’t even speak at it because I was so broken and in shock (I kinda feel bad about that still, but I had no words.) Ironically the same year where I had discovered the power of my voice, it was then pushed deep to the point that not only could I not speak, but I couldn’t write either. This was when my love of drawing came back into play; because all I could do was draw, nothing else soothed me. I got an ipad and started going crazy with my designs (and very soon you can purchase them on t-shirts, bags, etc.!) I was basically channeling light language codes that healed me while I drew. Now this is something I do weekly and enjoy immensely. So after spending two months in Florida cleaning out my father’s things I then gathered what was left of myself and some of his things and drove back to Oregon.
Once I returned the next few months (December, January, February, March) were all a dead zone. I ironically picked up a job working on a farm, and found some serious dark humor in it. That during the darkest part of my life thus far, feeling dead inside, that my job would be in helping things grow. Again, this became part of my therapy moving forward. And it wasn’t until April of this year (2021) that I even began to see a sprinkling of the light once more.
I hit a wall in life where I felt my Higher Self getting frustrated with me. I know when this happens because depression starts to set into even deeper layers that are meant to be signs that it’s time to take action (or regret the consequences, kind of like my hero’s journey on mushrooms.) So I slowly started to do some healing work on acceptance and being kind to myself again (as I had gotten quite negative during this time), and I began to build the light within once again.
In fact during my meditations I was then beginning to experience tremendous amounts of light pour through me (in April). I was being guided to start specifically “build” light within my body. I was told that this was very important and that others needed to start doing this as well because this was going to help balance out the tremendous fear on the planet. So I put out a few live videos on Instagram (@thehighervibration) about this. I was then guided to my favorite guys from Ashland who created IQH (a similar modality to BQH and QHHT) in May. Then my guidance came through and was like BUY IT NOW.
I was caught off guard by the whirlwind energy pushing me to do this, but I know it’s always a good sign, so I purchased the program and began my study immediately. Afterall I had been interested in learning for years (big fan of Dolores Cannon), and had even received a session before. I just never thought that I would be good at it or love it as much as I do. Low and behold, 3 months later of practicing this modality and everything makes so much more sense now. It combines everything I’ve learned over the past 10 years and synergizes with this process in ways I couldn’t have comprehended before. The coaching, channeling, holding space, psychology, light language, all of it. All of it comes through when I hold these sessions. And it’s funny, as I write this I am acutely aware of how it sounds like I am making a sales pitch right now but the irony is that it really isn’t, this is how I truly feel. I feel like all of the work I’ve done has accumulated for this purpose right now as a IQH practitioner, with more to come as time progresses.
Surrender is still indeed very much the lesson I’m embracing even here today, but now you know where I’m at and are fully caught up. Thank you so much for reading this piece of my life journey and sharing this space with me. Also thank you for being here on my website, I’m honored to have you here. I would love to hear your 2020 experiences as well so we can all catch up on each other. Life’s bizarre, but we don’t have to go it alone.
I love you, and here’s to more to come.
Oh and I forgot to mention I’m moving to Nashville in two months, more on that next time though. 😉
Stay elevated, stay grateful, stay compassionate.
Love, Sara